Family Feud: Naruto Style
by Ukeboi88
Summary: My version of the gameshow Family Feud with Naruto characters! Lots of yaoi, randomness, and insanity. Rated for language and suggestive themes. Please review!


Random crackfic. Pairing is EverybodyxNaruto. I absolutely despise the format of this, but it was necessary with so many different people talking. _Italics_ denote actions and narration. **This story should be read as if you were watching it on TV**. Now without further ado, Family Feud: Naruto style!

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Host: Good evening folks, it's that time again and boy do we have a special treat for you on the Feud tonight! Our contestants today are all ninjas from the Naruto universe and they are competing for a special prize; Naruto himself! Bring him out boys! _Naruto is brought out by Kakashi. He is tied to a wall and clad in nothing but an orange speedo. The host, contestants, and half the audience begin to drool._

Naruto: Mmmnph!

Host: _Stops drooling._ Well then, let's introduce our contestants shall we? On the left comprising team Konoha we have Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Neji, Nara Shikamaru, Aburame Shino, and Inuzuka Kiba!

Kiba: Hey! Why am I last?

Host: _Ignores Kiba._ And over on the right we have Team Other Guys composed of Uchiha Itachi, Sabaku no Gaara, Deidara, Yakushi Kabuto and Sai! Let's give our teams a hand shall we? _Audience applauds._ All right, you all know the rules. We have randomly surveyed 100 Naruto fans and yaoi fangirls to determine the top 5 answers to each of our questions. Each team will try to guess their responses and the team with the most points at the end goes to the final round! If they can win the final round, they get to do whatever they want to our adorable blonde prize! _Gestures at Naruto while the audience applauds and cheers._

Sasuke: The dobe is mine!

Itachi: Foolish little brother, what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine, therefore Naruto-kun will be mine. _Both Uchiha glare death at each other._

Host: Did anyone else just feel the temperature drop noticeably? Well anyway, on with the Fued! Sasuke, Itachi if you will join me over here please! _Both Uchiha's walk to the podium and continue to glare at each other._ Ok then, here is our first survey: Name the top 5 creepiest people in Naruto! _Sasuke slams down his hand on the buzzer._

Sasuke: Orochimaru! That snake bastard is always trying to molest me.

Kabuto: Hey! Orochimaru-sama is not a pervert!

Host: Oh shut it Kabuto, we all know he's a pedophile. Anyway, survey says…yes! Orochimaru was number 1 in the polls with 41 votes! Control of the game now passes to Team Konoha. Ok, Neji can you name one of the remaining top 5?

Neji: _Puts his hand to his chin and ponders for a moment_. I'll have to say my teammate, Rock Lee.

Host: Show me Rock Lee…yes! Lee was number 5 with 9 votes. Shikamaru, you're up.

Shikamaru: Ugh, this is so troublesome. Why am I here again?

Kiba: Because we'll hurt you if you don't play.

Shikamaru: _Sighs_. Oh, right. Well I'd have to say…Ino. She's pretty creepy to me.

Ino: _From audience._ Shikamaru you lazy bastard, I'll fucking kill you!

Host: Now Miss, threatening our contestants' lives is strictly against the rules. Security! _Watches in satisfaction as Ino is dragged off screaming._ Now that she's gone…show me Ino! Oh I'm sorry, but she did not make our top 5. Control now passes to Team Other Guys. You're up Gaara!

Gaara: I say…myself.

Host: Er, ok. Show me Gaara…yes! Gaara you placed number 3 with 17 votes. Let's see if you answer correctly too Deidara.

Deidara: I think I'll go with…Master Sasori, yeah!

Host: Good answer, but I'm afraid Sasori did not make the top 5. Back over to Team Konoha and Shino.

Shino: …

Host: What was that?

Shino: Me.

Host: Show me Shino! Oh, I'm sorry Shino, you didn't make the top 5. Kabuto, you're up.

Kabuto: How about Itachi-sama's partner, the fish-man?

Kisame: _From audience._ Watch it pipsqueak or I'll fucking shave your head off! _Waves Samehada._

Host: _Sighs._ What did I say about threatening the contestants? Security!

Kisame: Oh yeah? Catch me if you can coppers! _Hoists Hinata over his shoulder and runs out the door, security guards in hot pursuit._

Host: Oooooooooook, anyway, show me Kisame! Yes, Kisame was number 4 in our poll with 13 points. On to Sai.

Sai: _Deadpans_. The spider freak with no penis from Orochimaru's Sound 4.

Host: I'm sorry, but Kidoumaru was not in the top 5. Over to Ki-wait! How do you know he has no penis? Never mind, I don't want to know. Kiba, it's your turn.

Kiba: Ok, how about that bone freak with the white hair?

Host: Show me Kimimaro…nope! He did not make it to the top 5. Back over to Itachi.

Itachi: Zetsu. _Glares at Sasuke_.

Host: Yes, Zetsu was number 2 with 30 votes. I guess bipolar cannibal plant-men are a turn-off for the people we surveyed. Well that's the end of round one and our two teams are tied with 50 points each! _Audience applauds._ We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

_Screen changes to reveal a pale man with silver hair wearing a black robe._

Hidan: Hello friends, my name is Hidan, and today I bring you the divine word from the Jasshin Church of Creepy Satanist Guys. In today's troubled world, you may find yourself feeling lost or depressed. Well friend, we are here for you. If you join our cult-I mean church today, we'll send you our free 'Intro to Slaughter' starter kit. It contains everything you need to hurt, maim, and generally- _He is interrupted by a microphone crashing down on his head._ Kukuzu! Oh my God, you stupid fuck; you ruined the whole fucking thing! I'm going to fucking- _Screen flashes suddenly._

Host: And we're back! We apologize for our sponsors' technical troubles; we'll check back with them a bit. Now though, it's time for round two! Neji and Gaara, if you'll please join me up here, we can begin. _They walk up to the podium and stare at each other silently._ Ok, for this round the points are doubled and the winning team goes on to the finals! Our Narutards were surveyed once again and this time, you must name the top 5 sexiest things about Naruto. _Neji slams his hand down on the buzzer._

Neji: His blue eyes.

Host: Figures you would be an eye man. Anyway, show me Naruto's eyes! Yes, Naruto's eyes placed second with 37 points! Shikamaru you're up.

Shikamaru: Che, troublesome. I don't know... all the orange he wears maybe?

Host: Are you serious? I don't even have to check, I know that's wrong. Deidara, control passes over to you.

Deidara: Hmm…how about his ass, yeah?

Host: Show me Naruto's ass-oh! _He blushes when he realizes what he said._ We need better surveys…anyway show us the answer. Yes, Naruto's ass is the number 3 sexiest thing about him according to the Narutards. His ass received 23 votes. You know the drill now Kabuto.

Kabuto: How about…his personality?

Host: Surprisingly, yes that made the top 5. Naruto's personality is number 5 with 4 votes. On to you Sai.

Sai: _Deadpans._ How about when he says "Believe it!"?

Host: Get out.

Sai: _Deadpans_. What?

Host: I said get out! When he says that it's fucking annoying as hell! Security! _Glares at Sai as he is dragged out._ Ahem- let's get back to the game shall we? Shino, it's your turn again.

Shino: His whisker marks.

Host: Yes, that is correct! His whiskers are number 4 with 6 votes. Ok Kiba, it's all up to you now! For the round, can you name the sexiest thing about Naruto?

Kiba: Yeah, this is too easy. I can't believe no one else thought of it. His ability to use Kage Bunshin no Jutsu is the sexiest thing about him. He's a walking orgy!

Host: Show me walking orgy ninjutsu! YES, that is correct! His Kage Bunshin ability received 40 votes. And Team Konoha are our winners! _Walks over to Team Other Guys._ Well I'm sorry you four, but as the losers you will have to join Sai in his punishment. You 5 will be forced to endure a striptease from Sakura. I pity you all. And now, another word from our sponsors!

_Screen flashes to reveal Hidan and Kukuzu choking each other. Suddenly Kisame runs in with a still-screaming Hinata_.

Kisame: Ahahaha, those lardass cops have been eating too many donuts. They can't catch me! Shit here they come! _Knocks over a light as he starts running._

Hinata: Put me down!!!

_Screen flashes again._

Host: And we're back for our final round. This survey will determine whether or not Team Konoha wins our fabulous sexy prize! _Gestures over to where a now nude Naruto is still tied to the wall and is being molested by Kakashi. _During the commercial break, our winning team selected Sasuke and Kiba to be their representatives for the final round. They are backstage in a soundproof booth waiting. Let's bring Sasuke out! _Audience cheers as Sasuke walks out and stands by the host._

Sasuke: _Glances over at Naruto and gets a nosebleed._ You'll soon be mine Naruto!

Host: We'll see about that Sasuke, we'll see. Now this final survey comes especially from our yaoi fangirls. In order to win, you have 30 seconds to yell out any 5 answers you can think of. You and Kiba must score higher than 100 points between you to win. Do you understand?

Sasuke: Hn.

Host: Ok then, our final survey tonight is…Top 10 Ways to Fuck Naruto! Goodness, are we allowed to say that on TV? We are? Oh cool! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…ahem anyway, 30 seconds on the clock…GO!

Sasuke: Uh…let's see. Well on a bed is good, maybe in a tree too, I think on the kitchen table would be fun, tied to a wall would definitely be awesome as well.

Host: 10 seconds!

Sasuke: Uh, um… I'd fuck him while standing on the side of a cliff!

Host: Time's up! Let's reveal your scores. On a bed…24 points! In a tree…16 points! On the kitchen table…oh I'm sorry, 0 points for that one. Maybe it's because it's where people eat. Moving on, fucking Naruto into a wall received…20 points! And finally…on the side of a cliff… oh I'm sorry again, but no points for that one either. Don't be disappointed though, you managed to score 60 points. You may now rejoin your team over there. Bring out Kiba!_ Audience cheers as Kiba walks out and stands next to the host._

Host: Well Kiba, Sasuke managed to get 60 of the 100 points your team needs to win. You know the rules; you have 30 seconds to give your answers. Any repeated answers will receive 0 points. Tonight's final survey is The Top 10 Ways to Fuck Naruto. Are you ready?

Kiba: Hell yeah! _Looks_ _at Naruto like he is a piece of meat and licks his lips._

Host: Ok then, 30 seconds on the clock. Good luck. GO!

Kiba: On a bed, in a tree, with his clones, in the Hokage's office, uh…

Host: 5 seconds!

Kiba: DOGGY STYLE!

Host: Nice save! Ok let's look at your results. On a bed and in a tree were repeated answers and receive 0 points. With his clones was worth 30 points and in the Hokage's office was worth 3 points. This is it, the moment of truth. Is fucking Naruto doggy style worth 7 points? YES, it is! Doggy style was our number one answer, worth 77 points! Congratulations Team Konoha, you win with a total of 170 out of 200 possible points! Let's give our winners a hand folks! _Audience applauds and cheers wildly. Team Konoha runs over to Naruto and claims their prize._

Host: Well that's all the time we have tonight folks, join us next time on Family Feud for our special Ladies Night episode with special guest stars, the Sailor Scouts! Goodnight!

_Screen flashes to a news update._

Reporter: Good evening folks, I'm here at the scene of a massive fire that has enveloped the Jasshin Church of Creepy Satanist Guys. The fire was reportedly started by an equipment malfunction inside the church where they were live broadcasting their latest commercial. Hyuuga Hinata, heiress to the giant Hyuuga estate is also reported to be inside along with a deranged shark man. We'll have more on this story as it develops.

_Screen flashes again and a rerun of Seinfeld comes on._

The End

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Believe it or not, I wasn't on anything when I wrote this. Let me know if you enjoyed the insanity or if I should be ashamed of myself.HoH


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